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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

To Shack or Not To Shack Is The Question?





Good Morning my curvy Divas,

Today I am back with another topic of the day. We haven't had one in awhile so today I wanted to discuss cohabitation or as Southern Holy Rollers like to call it: "shacking". I have heard for years from older women that a man won't buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free. I find it ironic though that the same women that don't look down on the astronomical rate of teen pregnancy in the South (babies are a blessing in their eyes even if the girl is 12 and 1/2)  think it's okay to have premarital sex as long as you aren't living together "in sin".

This is a new day. In my world,I threw tradition out of the door for realistic expectations and common sense. You NEVER know a person truly until you live with them so why should a woman wait until she is stuck with a guy forever to live with him and see what the heck she could be getting herself into? People say if you move in with him you will NEVER get married....UNTRUE. The only way that would be true is if the man never intended to marry you in the first place (see game in Webster's Urban Dictionary). I had SOOO many single people preaching to me about living in sin because I wasn't married that it sickened me. The last thing people need to do is mind other people's business when their affairs are not in order.

I said all of that to say this: DON'T let anybody tell you what you should or shouldn't do because at the end of the day you live your life for YOU. Whatever life mate that you choose..YOU will be stuck with that person after saying vows...so do whatever it takes to make sure you are marrying the authentic person and not the representative. Traditional relationships are great but every couple is different so you can't follow anyone else's rules. You have to both agree with making your own rules and if those rules work for you guys then that is all that matters.

Shacking, Living Together, Cohabitation, or whatever you want to call it was an amazing experience for me because we got all of the crap out of the way that most newlyweds struggle with like: whose supposed to take out trash, cook, who drank the last damn water and didn't refull the jug, and a host of other random things that you learn as you go.

A Man WILL buy the cow if he's truly in love and ready for commitment. NO factors will change how a man truly feels about you.

What are your thoughts on "shacking"


Until Next Time,
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

33 comments:

  1. I personally won't do it. I don't like the idea of it. Now, when I get engaged and a date is set and we're making plans to be married...maybe. But no way. Not for me!

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    1. I totally understand people who have difference of opinion. Thanks for your feedback!

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  2. I live with my boo now, and I love it! I once said that I would never do it, I'd wait until after I was married but I'm glad I did it now! We do have marriage in our future and as you mentioned we got a lot of the newlywed issues out the way early lol. Its not for everybody and that's cool, but I feel like you cant knock something unless you try it.

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  3. I try to live my life through what thus said the Lord. I know me, I know that if I put myself in situations that will lead to "sin"....it's gonna happen. I don't judge anyone else for what they do in their life, but I fall short on a daily busy so I'm constantly seeking to keep the things I'm currently doing right in check and not creating more sin for my wayward self.

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    1. I understand love. I am not into religion so I can't relate but thanks for your feedback!

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  4. Taking "sin" out of the equation, I just don't think it is a wise choice for women. I have known several women, who co-habitate with men and then were left in the (financial, emotional, mental) lurch when things did not work out. One woman I know lived with a man for over 10 years and he was killed in a car accident. They had built a life together, but after his death, his family came and got everything that was in his name including the house (now mind you, before his death everything was honky-dory with the family) I knew another woman who lived with a man for several years, they broke up and he married another woman within a year's time. So, now wife gets the benefits (social security, 401K, insurance, etc.). As a wife, you have rights and benefits. To me, it is not a wise decision.

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    1. I think if a man is serious about marriage it won't take him a lifetime to propose...we lived together for 2 years and are recently engaged...there is NO way I would be with ANYONE ten years who hasn't put a ring on my finger...I agree that the wife has rights and benefits but I think this traditional thinking is one of the main reasons the marriage (and serious relationship) rate is on the decline in the black community. People are still following old school rules but this is a new day era.

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  6. Great topic....I for one was ALWAYS against "shacking up" a.k.a living in sin. Mainly because of how I was raised and my spiritual beliefs. I trust God and I constantly kept my relationship in prayer and asking him for guidance as if this was the right man for me. However, I gave into the flesh and decided to buy a house and move in with him for a year to make sure we were doing the right thing. We agreed to live together for one year and if things were fine then we agreed that we'd move to the next step in our relationship. That's exactly how it happened...we lived together a year and a half and he proposed shortly thereafter. So, I agree with you if you communicate with one another and make sure both of you are working towards the same common goal, then marriage will happen in due time! But I do understand different strokes for different folks...

    Roni

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  7. This is a touchy subject. One that many people either have a strong opinion on or do not want to address at all.

    I will start by saying this. I thoroughly respect your opinion. When it comes to relationships, it is about you and your partner...not everyone and THEIR opinions. Even with religion, you have a choice. So life is full of choices and it is up to you and what you choose to do.

    With that being said, I must say that I was a bit disturbed by the opening of your discussion. I say this because much of what you said was an assumption or generalization. Everyone in the south doesn't feel that way at all. I'm a Christian and I view premarital sex, children out of wedlock, and "shacking" all as sins. Does that mean I will condemn my neighbor or friend? Not at all. I believe that a woman should save qualities of marriage such as living together for the actual marriage. If it is something you choose to do, then by all means, please do. I just don't think it is a wise choice for myself.

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    1. Thanks for your feedback Ms.Ellis and I apologize if I generalized too much as I was speaking from my personal experience in the Bible Belt.....I haven't met a lot of Christians who subscribe to the one sin is no greater than another as the Bible states...the ones I have been exposed to judged any sin that didn't apply to them but forgot about the ones that did. I agree it is a touchy subject but that is why I appreciate all opinions. I know everyone will not agree with me but I do appreciate seeing the different views on it.

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  8. I'm of the opinion... to each their own. I don't condemn anyone for chosing to do something that works for them, as long ast it doesn't hurt anyone else. And a persons decision to live with their significant other before marriage, or not, doesn't hurt anyone. It's so funny to me how people get down on women for "shacking up", as if they are moving in with themselves. I'm not a cow or any other object to be bought. lol! People need to stop being of the frame of mind that women are victims in this topic. We have our own minds and make the choices that we want to make. There are some men and women who chose to never be married. That doesn't mean that they can't chose to spend their life with someone.

    Sometimes, there are people who use the bible and/or religion when it's convenient for them. Kind of like people who don't eat pork because they say it's "swine" and unhealthy, but will drink, smoke & do a host of other unhealthy things. I chose to not allow those people to put their issues off on me.

    My husband and I have been together for 15 years now, and 3 of those years were spent living together out of wed lock. We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary. It can be done.

    Great topic (sorry my comment is so long, lol)!!

    http://ticka-spoonfullofsugar.blogspot.com/

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    1. oh I LOVEEEEE to read so your long comments are welcome here Ticka!! lolll Thank you SOOO much for your feedback.....and I wish you and your hubby many more years of happiness!!! Great comment!

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    2. I agree with Ticka!!
      I to lived with my husband before getting married. We have been together 15 years and married only 5 years. My husband asked me ALL the time to marry him; but it was ME not ready to commit. He proposed each time he asked me and had the ring in his hand....It wasn't that that I was seeing someone else, I just wasn't ready for a commitment like that until I was 100% ready. It's easier to walk away when there's no legal obligation; however you do have men that feel why should I marry when we're living together. I think the conversation should be talked amongst both people prior to moving in, because if there is no intention on marriage, then you're wasting your time if that person is seeking to get married. Now on the other hand, neither person may be interested in getting married, so living together is perfect for them and I don't condemn anyone who does so.
      Also, you Never know a person 100% whether you live with them or not...A person let you know what they want you to know, married or not married...How many married couples have found out that their husband was on the down low or living a double life, or maybe a rapist, murdered or whatever..Just saying that you never know a person's motive behind the things they do whether living with them or not..Always keep an open mind and don't get so complacent in a relationship!!

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    3. Thanks sooooo much for your feedback Tee and that's how we were as well. I would have been engaged sooner but I was afraid of marriage since there aren't many successful ones in my family. You made a great point there are many people who never know who their mate is and that is VERY scary...the most classic case was Ted Bundy. Great advice I love hearing from couples that have stood the test of time.

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  9. Since you asked my opinion lol...I personally don't want to live with my future husband before marriage. But, honestly to each his own, I don't look down on shacking before marriage. I've seen people live together and it work out and vice versa. My really good girlfriend just got engaged and they were living together and decided to actually live seperately until they got married. No issues or anything like that, just decided that while they are going through marriage counseling through their church, it would be a good idea to live apart, her living in their place and him moving in with his mother. I do feel sometimes though that while you can learn a lot before marriage living with someone it can cause problems as well. There might be that begrudgingly getting married situation, where someone might feel like "We've been living together so might as well get married." Or if it isn't working out, how do you seperate your belongings without it getting ugly and not being a financial burden for one or both. Just some things I've seen or thought about.

    For me I think I might live in a fairytale land where I feel like if you love someone and don't live with them at first, yea there might be some little issues, but we love each other enough not to split up b/c they snore or ate all the waffles. lol

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    1. Thanks for your input Chichi!!! You are definitely not living in a fantasy land I do believe love conquers all :)

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  10. Great topic. I respect your and everyone's opinion. I guess you can call me old fashion. My BF and I have been together quite some time and I can honestly say that we know eachother extremely well, quirks, likes, dislikes, and all. However, we don't live together and it is something that we both believe we shouldn't do until marriage. But I don't knock anyone who decides they want to. Like some say, different strokes for different folks. If you want to "Shack" "Cohabitate" "Live in Sin" or whatever name you wanna call it, hey do you! With the same token though, I wouldn't knock anyone who decides against it. Every couple is different. I know people who have lived together first and didn't make it, people who lived together and did make it. I've also known people who didn't live together and not make it, and those who waited until marriage to live together and are as happy as can be. Who are we to judge?

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    1. so very true!!!!!! I don't knock anyone who decides against it. If it works for them and it makes them happy I'm all for it. I LOVE love love seeing happy couples!!! Thanks so much for your feedback!!

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  11. I always read your blog and this is the first time I'm commenting.

    First, let me say that you have impeccable style. I love the way you put things together! Second, I agree with you 100%. I chose to live with my fiance for that exact reason. We are now getting married in June. Like you said, if you don't marry the guy you end up living with, chances are marriage wasn't in the cards for you anyway!

    More power to ya!

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    1. Thanks so much Danielle and I appreciate your feedback!!! Congrats on your upcoming wedding I am terrified about wedding planning and all that stuff but my Mom is helping me out a LOT!

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  12. I'm all for shacking up! I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years, lived together for 2 and we are now married. First off, marriage was not a priority for me, it did didn't validate how "solid" my relationship was and still doesn’t now that I’m married. I went against everything my parents advised and was even pressured by friends. He wanted to, but I needed to know what I really wanted. We have to understand that this is the new age generation; back then, women need financial security, protection and that last name. ;) Nowadays we are able to give ourselves those things and more, so we demand more than just marriage and financial security. You also have to know what you are getting into before committing yourself to that person. However everyone has their standards and different upbringing so I would understand why they would want to chose the other!  Good post btw! Caught my eye! LOL! Congrats on the engagement again!
    Hey lovely did you get the card??

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    1. Thanks so much for your feedback hun and yes I did my MAC stuff is on the way as we speak I ended up ordering it offline since we don't have a Macy's in my town. Thanks again and I will be sure to do a FOTD with my new MAC products once they arrive!

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  13. As far as my life is concerned I'm on the fence about cohabiting, just because it's a next step in our relationship and I'm afraid of what to do if things don't work out. But the optimistic side of me says what if it does?! I'm not a risk taker at all and to me that's a big risk, but you'll never know if you don't try. That's just my life, however, I don't feel like I can push my views on to anyone else. Who am I to say whether it's right or wrong??? Only you can decide what's right for you. I believe that each of us are the experts about our own life and don't have the place to tell someone else what's right for them even if we think we have walked in their shoes.

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    1. I hope you go with the optimistic side!!! Thanks for your feedback love and you are right we cannot tell others what is right or wrong for them.

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  14. Great article, I totally agree that everyone should choose what's right for them! I don't buy the idea that the guy is not going to settle down if he's getting the milk for free..if the guy wants to settle down he's going to no matter what!

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  15. Love your blog...love your style!

    Onto the topic...I did. I don't know many people in the 70's that didn't, but...we had both come out of bad relationships (I'm from the south! Married at 16!). Anyway, it was the best thing for us, I was 21 and he was 28...both of legal age to do as we wanted. We "lived" together for 2 years. We'll celebrate our 34th anniversary in November. Yay us!

    But...on the other hand, I have a 23 year old daughter. Do I want her to live with her fiance? No...she's in law school, he's in law school. Until they can support themselves...No. Is this a double standard? No. When they both have jobs and I'm not paying her bills, they are both of legal age to do as they wish.

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  16. I love this topic.
    I hate that everyone seems to have the need to throw their opinion in on something that has nothing to do with them. everyone talks about whats a sin and half of those people aren't living life right themselves.

    it seems like we move on in years, but people are still stuck in ways that were around before they were even around. no one has the right to tell someone else whats a sin and what isnt because in my opinion, no one really knows ! you only know what you've read or been told, and by all means, believe in what you want , but don't come down on others.

    great post!

    Shariece
    http://beautyorswaag.blogspot.com

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  17. You hit the nail on the head. If people don't get married while living together it just means that there wasn't going to be any long term commitment anyways. Obviously, that should be something is discussed. And let's be honest. If you are dating someone seriously, 9 times out of 10 you are going to be spending nights at their place and vice versa. Way pay rent in two locations? When me and the bf moved in together we made sure to have a two bedroom apt, so we could keep our separate space when needed. To sum it up, I think it's important to test drive before you buy.

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  18. I live with my boyfriend and marriage is not a priority for either of us. We have both been married so it's not a shiny new goal to attain. We are concentrating on our relationship and seeing how things go and so far they are going great, we've been together for 5 years and living together for 3 of those. I was raised in the south and my parents frowned on premarital cohabitation but as I'm a grown woman they don't say much about it to me.

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  19. This was a very interesting read for me. I am from Connecticut and this is not a big deal at all up north. People live together and get married and break up or move on all the time around here. It's not in even looked down upon at all it's like the norm. Most people this way in their 20's have probably already lived with two different people and have kids out of one of the relationships. I personally haven't ever lived with anyone that I was a relationship with but I do agree with living with the person first to see what they are all about and vice versa. Anyway it was nice reading everyones opinions!

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I look forward to your comments!! I try to answer them all b/c I appreciate my loyal readers!